When you come from a broken home, you teach yourself to be ferociously cautious when it comes to matters of the heart.
You learn to be immune to the charms of romance. And every time that you successfully let someone down, you pat yourself on the back for not giving in to temptations.
Then, one day, the impossible happens. Someone walks into your life, and despite your best efforts, they’re all you can think about. So you remind yourself of everything that will go wrong if you choose to embrace your emotions.
But all fails when it comes to love, & you accept the unacceptable. And in order to make peace with yourself about letting your walls down, you start dreaming up positive scenarios. You say to yourself “because I have abstained from love for so long, maybe the universe finally thinks I’m worthy.”
But the universe does not work like that. And love decides to leave. And you’re left stranded in the middle of nowhere, the place where you’d sworn you’d never be. And so you build your walls back even higher, and throw away the keys.
“Promise me you’ll find someone who’ll love you like I did” I say, emphasising on the last word in the sentence, both for him to know, & for me to keep in mind.
“Remember that he broke you” my subconscious says to me as I walk back to the door. “You’re never going to be his only one” it says, as I lock the gate behind him. “He might have been your first love, but to him, you were just another girl” it whispers to me, and my heart crumbles into pieces.
Eleven months have gone by & I still hope that someday he’ll realise that no one will ever love him the way I did.
“But he wants me back.” I try to debate with my subconscious mind. “But what has he done to prove it? What has he offered, other than a few sweet words, stringed together in a perfectly acceptable sentence? Why don’t you realise that it’s time for you to move on?” My subconscious mind screams. “I have! I have moved on! I’ve moved on from the idea that him & I could ever be together! I have moved on from the idea that he could ever love me the way that I love him! But just because I’ve moved on, doesn’t mean that I’ve stopped loving him. I’ll stop loving him the day all hope melts away with his memories. Until then, let his memories be.”
The first boy that I truly loved hurt me in a way where my muscles ached & my skin burnt, but the scars just wouldn’t show. I was certain that he had taken away a vital piece of me, but he was so skillful at what he did that I still to this day look inside myself to understand what’s missing, but can never truly lay my finger on it.
Even though legally I was an adult, all I wanted to do was cradle myself off to sleep like a little child, scared that he might show up again, like the horrible nightmares you wish you could forget. And then he did. Two months later he came back. And I was too mesmerised to realise at that minute that taking him back would do nothing to help me grow.
But that’s the beauty about pain, the more you go through it, the better you are at predicting it. And as soon as our lips touched again after the sixty days’ exile, I knew this was wrong. And I’m glad it didn’t last. I’m glad you came back again, to show me that I was so much more than what you could ever be. I was softer, kinder, and more in love. You breaking my heart made me fall in love with myself. For that I thank you.
I was too afraid to fall when I fell for you. I don’t think I made a wrong decision. I’m glad you were my first. I now look forward to all the love that’ll come my way. I now know that I want to be with someone who loves me like I love myself, not like you claimed to love me.
Forgive me for being incapable of painting beautiful portraits of you, to immortalise you for the future generations to see.
Let me turn you into poetry instead.
I didn’t fall in love with you because you were ‘easy to love’. There’s nothing simple about loving a man like you.
It took countless heartbreaks inflicted upon me by you; keeping my tears in so tightly that my head felt like it was about to explode; and the indefinite period of waiting for you to acknowledge me, & the complete shattering of my heart all over again because you forgot about me three days in a row.
In short, your complete negligence of my love for you, and my blindly forgiving you for slowly and mercilessly tearing me apart made me realise that i could never love someone as much as i love you, because I would never let anyone hurt me the way i let you.
You know the feeling that you get when you’re sitting next to a window, engrossed in some activity more fascinating than watching the leaves dance outside; and then suddenly a gust of wind blows through the grills, right through your hair, which now is in an utter yet forgivable mess, & the smell of rain & damp soil fills up your entire room, making you feel all nostalgic about the memories that may or may not have taken place?
That’s how it felt when love first knocked at my door.
i don’t know where you began,
or where you’ll end.
All I know is that you are the most beautiful poem I’ve ever read.